I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
