oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
His nipple licking is glorious
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