Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
