He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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