'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
