dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
