We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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