I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
