My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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