why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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