ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
