Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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