so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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