A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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