I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
