Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
