I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
