$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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