My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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