Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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