Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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