I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
