Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
