So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
