I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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