Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
