I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
