Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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