I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
