he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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