I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
