I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just threw up on my dentist
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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