I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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