I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
