wakey wakey hands off snakey
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
