we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
