Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
