Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
