Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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