I cannot find my penis.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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