Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
