Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
