i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
