her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I did not marry a roomba.
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