I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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