i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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