can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
