Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
