If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
