I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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